Learning to Love

Long Time

I know its been a long time but a lot has happened since I last blogged so here is whats up. I have had gastric bypass 6 days ago, 5 days ago my newest niece was born and I will add a picture of her to the end. I have lost 50lbs, my great grandpa passed away. I defiantly got over the boy (now my best friend is dating him. And i got my laptop back wow it sure has been a while!

Guard my heart oh Lord!

No longer am I going to be confused. I am pulling back starting now. You are now a remember when… You are still a friend but I am not letting more than that be there and that is it! I have been so confused and hurt by not knowing and by letting all this happen and I won’t anymore. I feel so low and like I am not myself and it sucks I don’t want it anymore. I feel so angry and hurt and sadly it is my own fault. I know longer can put my self out there with you or anyone else. I need to make sure I am saving my heart for the one God has for me and I need to stop letting my longing for love take over time and time again.

God forgive me for giving my heart out so easily. Please bless the man who you are preparing for me. Open my eyes to what your will for my heart is. Please make it so I am not so jealous over stupid little crushes. I thank you for preparing my heart as well as my future husbands. It is about time I start to guard my heart! Amen

How did I let myself get to this place again!

October 28, 2010

This day I learned a loss different than any other. You went to meet our Lord, our Maker, our Savior. There was no more pain, and no more sorrow. Once again you had the chance to have the ride of your life. Here among the ones you left behind our hearts ached knowing we are to say goodbye. You will not be here when I graduate, marry, or have children. But you will be here as i make a silly face or catch a perfect wave. I will tell the stories of what it means to be a true soul surfer. I will sing silly songs about things that are mundane and boring. I will let the good times role as i sit at the old camp fire. As I watch the sun set on PC I will know the warmth of your embrace. The love you left is so incredible I can not use words to explain. You taught me not to fear the dark or monsters. You taught me what it means to be brave. You made bed time fun. And taught me it’s all about the style. “I will not let this ruin my good time” as you leave with no goodbye.

Surf 240 Joely Poley Oley!

On October 28, 2011 at midnight I will set off a sky lantern in his remembrance. The picture below is PC Joel’s favorite surf spot.

I love my group!

I love my weird little group I started to hang with this year! I am sad to be graduating this year they are so fun and love the fact that I am so blunt and bold!

Confused!

I am so confused about so much right. I haven’t got enough sleep and I am swamped with homework. But I am also confused about someone that most of you know who it is. I do like him but I am sure he doesn’t feel the same way and I know that but a brother in Christ… Jason… really bluntly put me in my place and I love him for it. He warned me to guard my heart. He called me out on a few other things about the entire situation also. This really put things in perspective for me and I am happy about that but it also sent me into this feeling of why? I have always struggled with not feeling good enough and not pretty enough and once again I let me mind get to that place and God and even my friends warned me about getting to this place and allowing myself to get to this place. How do I guard myself but still be able to keep my heart soft not hard?

DISTRACTION!!

I can’t get anything done I have this awesome distract that we can’t help but talk about the most amazing topics. We talk about theology, life itself, our family, and the Love of God. He is lead so much by love that I can’t help but smile. This is a bad thing by the way I really don’t want to keep feeling this way but I can’t help it. HELP!

DANGER!!! DANGER!!!

So there is a guy that I have been spending every day and almost every moment with that I am really starting to like but I am not sure how he feels. Not only that but he is a newbie. He is a little younger than me and I have never liked someone younger. We spend so much time together just talking and listening to music. We have shared so much of our stories with each other that I feel like I can tell him anything and I am comfortable when I am around him. I am always smiling when I think about him, talk to or about him, and when he smiles at me. When he smiles at me my heart flips and it happens so much. I am so happy when I am with him but I am afraid he doesn’t feel the same way. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He makes me think. He makes me want to grow in the Lord. He challenges my thinking.

Hello Tumblr- I have missed you!

    I know this has been an on-again, off-again. Thing but I am hoping to be on again now that school is under way I have a lot going on in my life and I need you! I have such mixed emotions about so many things in my life like school, work, internships, BOY, homework, after college, BOY, moving, music, singing, BOY, and did I mention a BOY! No names will be said for his and my sake but wow he is awesome. I have decided not to try to pursue anything further than a friendship so we can become good friends and I can see if I really do like him and it isn’t just a crush. I really hope it is because if not this will really suck. But enough about boys. I am loving being a senior even though it comes with a lot of stress I seem to be doing better in school! And this year is going to be the best year ever as I leave with a splash!

I was warned!

Since I started my Christian Ministry:Pastoral major Terry had warned us that there will be days of depression because the stuff you deal with. Today is the day of sad phone calls, people calling angry at us and messages about how I can’t be a pastor as a woman.